There
is nothing that can be said. There is no consolation. There is no comfort. There
is no winner. There is no looser. There is no solace. There is no joy. There is
no relief.
Nothing
is broken. Yet everyone is in disrepair.
All
the: “I’m sorry(s).” All the hugs. All the thoughts. All the prayers. All the
love. All the condolences. All the sympathies. All the pity. All the support. All
the best wishes.
None
of it returns the dignity.
We’ve
become: those people. The talk of the
town. The house surrounded in a miasma of scandal. Just there down the
road—that’s the house. The one with the curtains closed. The one with the
baritone dog, whose bark ricochets down alleys, echoes between homes and
bounces down streets. The one with the bleeding hearts up front. The green
grass. The sulking grey cat. If you can, peek around back. Do you see the
garage? That’s where it happened.
They
scuttle in the shadows; much like mice and rats eager to avoid the cat’s
attention let alone its ire. Their voices hushed scurry in hither. They
speculate with conjecture. Swap stories, news, fragments and gossip like
magpies in trade. They badger. They fish. They sneak. They pursue. When the
topic of their conversation approaches they skulk back. Yet there is no shame
in their cowardice. Once its past they caw and cluck. They squirrel with
delight.
Their
curiosity. Our torture.
Robins
greet the dawn. In the blue hour they whistle with melody.
All
the while, we wake to an uncertain
future.
Red
splatters with drops of anger in seething heat, to the rhythm of a heart that
beats.
Green
churns with sickness, rising from a stomach which is vacant and empty.
Blue
is the face now breathless and gasping, with fevered hands grasping.
Pink
flushes and burns a face now foreign with embarrassment.
Purple
is the end, unnatural and regal with stoic calm.
White
rings within tin ears tone deaf and dumb.
Grey
is the day a somber witness.
Black
absorbs and absolves, until night when shadows dance. Swinging and hanging,
taunting all the same.
But
what of yellow? That garish colour: extroverted and blare. It beams with false
hope. It glows with deceitful warmth. It shines in its selfishness. It gossips
and giggles. Each message passed on platted in gold. Tarnished by fools and in
falsehoods. Slander is their tongue. May it fall out of their mouths'.
Where’s
the boundaries? Where’s the borders? Where’s the end? When was the beginning?
Or are the two interchangeable now.
Despite
being coiled and curled we are poked,
prodded, pricked. In this cobra retreat of reticence we request privacy. Yet the mongooses ever quick snip and snap. There
can be no regality. No peace. You saw
to that.
Phone
Calls.
Text
Messages.
Knocks
on the door.
Here’s
a sorry. Here’s a hug. Here’s all the love.
Each
one thunders’ then rains down like clumsy punches. They pelt and batter. Each time
leaving another bruise.
Behind
glass. Behind bars. Come one, come all. Come gawk. Come gaze. Come gape. Come
stare. See the spectacle. Speculate with flare.
Normalcy:
so commonplace and ubiquitous in shades of beige and brown. Suddenly the world
has run out. Who knew it was such a finite resource. The door revolves. Strange
feet step with caution. Shadows splay across walls and floors. Silhouettes of
basic shape and form. Food is left behind, which will soon become rotten.
Strong
is your Wife, a Mother of two—the
only title to remain. She informed them. Explained as best as possible the
situation. Only she knows the words she stated to you.
Ashamed
is your Son, who seeks privacy from
your shadow.
Pained
is your Daughter, whose sadness and sense of guilt is testament to all.
Lost
is your Dog, attempting to understand
your absence.
Annoyed
is your Cat, with all the fuss.
You broke the
cardinal rule. You’ve called
attention to yourself. And in return we are infected and painted by
association. There has been no preparation. What are we to say? After all the truth is overrated. Patricia Highsmith
said it best:
“Honesty,
for me, is usually the worst policy imaginable.”
There
is no inclination of apprehension. All inhibitions have been thrown out the
window. Reason has flown the coop. What remains is a cuckoo, chiming in
clockwork precision on the hour every hour.
We can’t slam the
door. We can’t clam up. You’ve made this an impossible affair. A
torrent of messages has breached the flood gates. Fists pound on doors. Phones
scream in a frantic frenzy. Everything has taken a new dimension. Yet
everything remains much the same. The taps run. The grass grows. The unyielding
sun pulses. Spring has burst forth in an array. Green is the grass and leaves.
Blue is the sky forsaken and consuming. Purple, orange, white and yellow are
the flowers in their respective vases. Black are the flies buzzing about. Scuttling
are the spiders seeking solitude. Their webs silver and dust ridden. Some are
intricate. Others scattered.
The
sink has dishes ready to be washed. The floors are a mess—such are the
consequences of animals. The lilacs have bloomed. There was once comfort. Now
replaced with the sickening sweet. Ripeness reminiscent of rot. The air is heavy with this ponderous poignant
and pungent perfume. Spring is announced. Unabashed it grows, it greens, it
buds and blossoms. It unfurls itself with the greatest intention to rejuvenate.
The world is alive again. Beneath its green leaves and in its shortening
shadows, we too must move forward.
These
are unfamiliar woods. They are ashen. Dusks shawl is draped overhead. Violet
and dim with an asphyxiating pinch. A few grey clouds remain in the sky.
Swollen and smothered. The trees are gnarled, knotted, and twisted. Their branches
point in all directions. A thicket riddled with accusations. Their bark black
and silent. The floor riddled with scattered autumnal treasures. Paper leaves falling
apart, frayed among the edges, crumbling and crunching underfoot. Dolls eyes
don’t grow here. Still something is watching. Through the branches we peer. Yet in every nook and cranny,
dusk light, violet, black and the faint image of browned leaves stared back. We are guests here. Unwelcome and
unwanted. The sense is reciprocated. Mutual on all grounds. Above the sky is
framed in unforgiving wooden limbs. Twigs wag without assistance, chiding us all the same. It’s just the three of us. Why would you be here? You’re the reason we are here. You’ve transplanted
us here. Willingly or not. We’ll survive. We’ll surface. We’ll pull
through. What choice do we have? After
all, you’ve left us none. Here’s hoping you’re
happy with yourself. But you’re not. In
the end there’s regret. The late epiphany caught the evening train, which is
always delayed. It is then you realized
the solemn truth about unhappiness; sometimes what one thinks is unhappiness
was really happiness all along.
How
then does one take the news? In this case standing up; just before dinner. Soup
warmed ready for eating. Then the phone ringing with immediate urgency. The news
is relayed the best it can be. From there it’s a mad dash. White noise ringing in
the ears. A face now foreign pink with embarrassment. A stomach churning
despite being empty. Eyes blinking and blinded by an indifferent grey day. Still
the heart beats, though red with anger. Ice flows through blue cold veins. A mind
muddled with violet rays.
What
of the one who found you? A pillar of
strength. Never weakened by time or age. Untouched by the curiosity. The anger
subsided, and beneath it, lies the serene and understanding. There is work to
be done. Pieces to pick up. Two to hold together. Strength to overcome. To persevere.
Its spring, which requires cleaning.
It’s
an uncertain future; for us but not
for you. Your dog will never find you,
but in time accept that as the reality of life. Your cat stalks on offended paws. Who is his ally in the house now? You’ll
answer to his judgements and inquisitions
someday. Your son will escape your
shadow. His privacy recently
regained. Your daughter no longer
aches for you. She’s sorry about it all, but recognizes we all have to make decisions, and suffer the consequences. Yours just rippled beyond.
So
this is it. There is nothing to be said. No explanation left and none given. C'est la vie, at least in our case.