Hello
Gentle Reader,
It
is difficult to imagine any subject that has been discussed, contemplated,
adored, celebrated, inspired by, decried, raged against and written about, then
love. Love is one of those eternal subjects. It is a subject as universal as
death. A product of the human condition. Operating as both seductor and
tormentor. How many poets have waxed and waned over the subject and its fickle
nature. Each of them vexed, provoked, infatuated with it. Desire sweet as sick.
The very same which occupies your waking attention, clouds your vision, haunts
your dreams. A never-ending swirling intoxicating state. The lilting tune in your
ears. The palpation in your chest. The quickened pace of your heart beat. The
flush on your cheeks and skin. The way it leaves you breathless and dare you admit,
wanting? Eros is a tempestuous state. Imperious as it is impulsive. One
untethered and unencumbered. It has the uncanny talent and ability of stripping
away inhibitions. Afterall, when it comes to love, everyone is punch drunk. Just
look at Aphrodite, the ancient Greek goddess of beauty, love and passion; who
was born of the seafoam produced by the castrated genitals of the primordial
god Uranus, whose testicles having been cast into the sea by his own usurper
son, the Titan King Cronus. The goddess and personification of beauty and love
spawned from violence and male virility. Other versions propose the genesis of
Aphrodite sprouted from drops of blood falling into the sea from Cronus’s
sickle after castrating Uranus, whereby the primordial god’s essence mixed with
the waves and water to manifest the seafoam facilitating the inception and
formation of the seaborn goddess. At which point one could argue the world
would never know peace again. Best not to forget the story and myth of the
Trojan War. Regardless, to be in love—that is to be, just head over heels;
completely flung off the deep end; freefalling into a state of ecstasy—is to be
whisked away down a rose laden garden path. The cost of admission? Discrete
kisses, either relinquished or stolen; or worst still, rational thought. Though,
this describes the impassioned state of rabble-rousing infatuations. The very
ones which cause a kaleidoscope of butterflies to unfurl and riot within the
depths of your core. Alit and a flutter. What a dizzying state of giddiness. No
surprise though. Eros the god of desire, is the cherubic son of Aphrodite and
Ares the god of war (depending on which mythic lineage you subscribe to, others
state the father is Zeus while others mention Hermes; never Hephaestus), which
explains the volatility of the mischievous gods golden tipped arrows, and their
turnabout erisian effects on those shot through with them. Mythically speaking,
love is usually depicted with violent cause and effect circumstances. Golden
apples; bow and arrows. In the end the city is sieged and burning.
What
then of other loves? Where is the one with no proclamations or announcements. The
one who refuses to engage in exclamation or exaggeration. Its tender and
gentle. The kind everyone else notices before you do. The one, were you sigh
all day. Not from exasperation, but the quiet understanding of a still
unacknowledged and unarticulated longing. Then there is that wistfulness in
your eyes. A glazed over look, distant, though not forlorn. Theres a dreaminess
to it; a private thought occupying you. All the while, your completely absent
and unaware of your daydreaming. Despite this, it is obvious to everyone else
why you are sighing and who you are thinking of. This is quieter love. One
tended and cultivated with care, blossoming slowly, with a natural ease. The
eroticism, the obsession, the burning adoration, have been exquisitely
extinguished. In their stead, is a yearning. Love threaded with a stitch of the
melancholic. The pinch of absence keeps the home fires burning.
Though
not all love is tinted with innocent blushes, scored with the soundtrack of
sweet nothings. It’s not the sighs punctuating the day. Its not love at all,
but is misappropriated and described as such. In reality it’s merely the
mechanics of copulation. Isn’t that all an affair is, a bit of fun on the side?
An intimate betrayal with no real successor. Guilt all around. For him with his
unsatiable appetite and wanting someone else to tend to. The other woman (as
she is now known) whose taken in by his flirtations, his empty promises, a few
sad sob stories about the frigid unaffectionate wife. Then the wife, who swears
she gave him the best years of her life, as if she were a used car, and has
taken to sleeping in the box room for the past two years of their strained and
struggling marriage. Yet, they continue on. After each row, when another plate
is smashed against the wall or another dinner ruined by their increasingly
bitter and resentful insults. They collide again, reminded of somehow at
sometime, they once (at the very least), liked each other. Where then does this
leave the other woman? Edward Hoppers painting “Eleven AM,” (1926) captures the
isolation and quiet humiliation of this subject, at least when reimagined as a
poem by Joyce Carol Oates. The subject of the painting, is a nude woman (though
she does have her shoes on) sitting on an armchair gazing out an open window.
The light carries the late morning maturity. The kind of light overlooked
during the working day. It’s an hour and a lighting of an early lunch. Code for
a brief dalliance. All the flirtations repeated on loop; all the promises
reiterated: I’m so crazy about you; can’t get enough of you; I’ll leave her for
you, just be patient. In the poetic reimagining, the subject reveals she’s been
stood up the night before, and has been waiting all morning for the lying
bastard. This isn’t love, its regret. A rendezvous with no substance, leaving
lingering disappointment. What a perfect subject for a painting. The promise of
love and the failure of deliverance. What is in short, the abject and sober
regret after sex and the affair concluded. The lies we engage in to coddle
ourselves and sustain the fantasy, however infinitesimal it is in becoming a
reality.
Loves
complexities are rich and varied. While its fallout, its heartbreak, has been
equal fuel for inspiration for centuries. In “Trysting,” Emmanuelle Pagano
curates and cartographs the various facets and complexities of love as a
subject. Both its universal experience but its deeply personally felt
realities. From the eleven in the morning betrayals, to the strange ways we
fall in love, all the way to the myriads of ways in which we fall out of love.
Through it all Pagano explores the textures, colours, characteristics, personas
and disguises love as emotion, response, and reality take shape.
“She puts her arms around me, talks to me,
supports me with her words and her eyes. I cannot respond. So I lie to her. I
need her in order to become the an I must become, but I’m not sure I love her.
This is much harder than I had expected. I
often dream of stopping, but I see her smiling at me and I can’t think straight.
I would like her to teach me not to lie anymore, but if I stop lying, I’ll no
longer be able to tell her that I love her.”
Written
in fragmented vignette’s, love may be the nucleus of “Trysting,” but the
subject is anything but static. Emmanuelle Pagano chases, ensnares and
encapsulates through the multiple voices and perspectives found in a fragment
or a shard, the endless forms and possibilities of love. Be it juvenescent
obsession; youthful rebellion in the orchard; the private pleasures of intimate
embraces; the mundanity exalted to new heights by the whirlwind of
companionship; the sudden sensation of being resurrected, rekindled and
encouraged to live again; all of which is captured within beautiful turn of
phrases, which continue to explore a literary sensuality when discussing the
erotic, showcasing that an embracement of love or discussions of sex, does not
denote something merely to sexualization or pornography:
“I wake up, and I can hear the sound of
little creatures walking around on an invisible pile of cloth stretched tight
next to my ear, stretched between me and him. Between me and him, just enough
room for a cloth pulled taught like paper. I open my eyes and its nearly light.
He’s scratching his stubble. The tiny sounds stop as he smiles at me. His hand
leaves his face to touch mine.”
For
good measure, however, “Trysting,” does not skip merrily through the rosy
meadows of love without complication, or without consequence. Pagano turns to
the complexities of love and their devastating aftermath with equal poeticism:
“It’s been a long time without her now.
I’m starting to get used to the loneliness, the evenings, the little seven ‘o clock
sadness.”
“Trysting,”
often came across as reading the private intimate correspondence of anonymous
people. It’s the discovery of ancient love letters, confessions and missives.
Secret details tucked deep within their souls, never barred or let loose or
revealed. It’s a beautiful book, which delights in the atomised nature of love.
Its inability to be captured or distilled coherently in one unifying image or
experience. Emmanuelle Pagano has provided a wonderful series of treatises on
the eternal subject of love, which is often viewed as a treacle and sentimental
subject or worst melodramatic and tiresome. Pagano has provided the cartography
exploring how love is an attractive and binding force, while also being the
very cause of our disconnect and severance from one another. “Trysting,” is not
a remedy or tonic to sate or quell the concerns of a growing loneliness
epidemic sweeping western society, but it is an enchanting piece of literature
which celebrates the ties that bind and the ache of such absence.
“When she left me, I cried so much I
became truly disgusting, full of phlegm. I began to wonder why tears are the
only excretions we don’t find repulsive. Perhaps because they’re
transparent—but then what about saliva or sweat? My tears come with snot, slobber,
convulsive hiccups, and a torrent of ridiculous thoughts, stupid questions.”
While
“Trysting,” is a short and beautifully written book, its atomised structure,
lacking character or defined plot or story, can often mean the fragments and
shards begin to blend into one another, and readers may find themselves
skimming along, not quite taking in the beauty of the language or profundity of
experience being remarked on. My advice when reading “Trysting,” dip in and
read for short bursts and then walk away, it keeps the prose fresh and the
subject engaging. While Gentle Reader, if I am to add my own slight confession,
I’ve been a resident of singledom my entire life. Love and romance belonged to
the more spirited and outgoing people; it would have taken a very special
person to coax me out of my shell, let alone notice me. No regrets though. A
life on ones own has its own merits, its own pleasures that are entrenched now.
Yet after reading “Trysting,” there were times where the “what if’s,” were
entertained. What is it like waking up with a man in bed? Who laying next to
you, smiles when you open your eyes? It should be noted: when entertaining any
speculative situation, you always imagine yourself significantly younger and
beautiful, of course! What lovely flights of fantasy though, which were
tempered with reminders of how many couples and marriages were in fact unhappy,
but marching forward, somehow duty bound to go to hell with each other. Some
take their vows seriously. Nonetheless, they were lovely little daydreams,
punctuated with sighs.
Thank
you For Reading Gentle Reader
Take
Care
And
As Always
Stay
Well Read
M.
Mary