Hello
Gentle Reader
Human
Resources as a business function is best defined as: the organizational unit
which seeks to recruit, acquire, promote and retain the human assets of an
organization or corporation. This is why individuals who are employed by human
resources often squeak with bubbly glee: “we manage people.” That’s right Gentle
Reader; human resources are the people behind those oddly worded and verbose
job postings, which include lines like the following:
“[You
bring] An optimal combination of passion and drive, technical expertise,
interposal skills, creativity and customer focus.”—Despite the fact that the posting had already laid out its required
professional experience and educational background, prior.
“[Young
bring] Strong communication and influencing skills with the ability to present
complex issues effectively”—Influencing
skills—how sociopathic in nature.
“[You
are] A self-starter, someone who can work individually while also a team.”—You are able to work independently and get
your work done, while Susan is playing on Facebook next to you.
“[You
are] Safety conscious,”—You won’t get
hurt or killed in the next six months.
“[You
bring] a passion for technology, people and process.”—It’s an information technology job, they are passionate about
technology—people questionable.
“[You
bring] strong oral, verbal, and written communication and presentation skills,
with the ability to lead a conversation.”—First
off ‘oral,’ and ‘verbal,’ are the same, pick one or the other, either
or would have made the point; using both together only makes the statement
redundant and the poster to appear stupid. Furthermore, why not just leave the sentence at: ‘strong oral and
written communication skills.’ Leading a
conversation as a requirement or skills sounds absurd.
Those
long winded, overwritten, redundant job postings Gentle Reader, are done up by
the ebullient Barb at human resources. Some call her ‘Bubbly Barb,’—most call
her: ‘Bubonic Barb.’ The leader of each department or business unit sends their
position proposal and posting to human resources to review. There it is
reviewed before an administrator—like Barb—shrugs her shoulders over the
professionally worded job posting, and decides to colour it up with her human
resources lingo, whereby a initial short and sweet document has exploded into
the ruminations and verbiage of a department who is out of touch and out of
control.
A
quick search via the internet or casual conversation with an individual (or any
individual), and all will inform you of the horrors of human resources. Almost
everyone has a painful and dreadful story about a human resources encounter.
After all: they are the corporate cancer, and the exhaustion of employees.
The
question of what makes human resources so hotly hated varies. Some proclaim it’s
due to its desire to being bureaucratically bulbous, road blocking needed
change and corporate renovations, for the sheer sake of flexing its muscles to
show its own importance and weight. While in other circumstances, it institutes
redundant policies and procedures to make the organization convoluted and
complicated, while also attaching penalties and punitive action to misdemeanors
and other offences to ensure compliance and control is maintained. In this
fashion, human resources believes, it sits at the pinnacle of organizations and
corporations; whereby it is no longer a servant or worker, but master and
ruler. Though technically it does not sit at the top of the organizational
chart or the corporate food chain; it does exist and thrive in the shadow of
those who do occupy those radiant reigning positions. In these shadowy refuses
human resources exercises soft powers and self-important bureaucratic
authority.
Soft
power by human resources is the institution of the now famous term: corporate
(organizational) culture. This is the propaganda machine of human resources.
Corporate cultures have been designed and created by human resources to
institute a sense of commodity and unity amongst employees, while also building
bridges with employers. This is the part of an organization where you will hear
employees talk about going from adequate to acceptable, or striving for
mediocrity, or searching for the last doughnut. This is where human resources
uses its acute communication skills—also known as: “leading conversation
abilities,” “oral and verbal presentation services,” and “influencing
talents,”—to concoct a cult like concoction reminiscent of Jones Town; or a
soviet era ideology to subdue and subject both employee and employer to a rigid
code of conduct, based on a set concept of values and beliefs, promoted by the
company and embodied in both management and employee. Here you will find
internal staff training being promoted and propagated by human resources, who
also willing facilitates these indoctrinating courses. Terms such as: open door
policy, open dialogue, entrepreneurial spirit, creative ideas, among a plethora
of other related terms, are discussed and shared to employees both new and old,
as well as the eluded expectation that employees are expected to embody and
behave by this culture.
Bureaucratic
authority is the true power of human resources. The business department of
human resources believes itself to be a corporate management function following
the mandate that it manages human assets. In this case, human resources
believes itself to be referee of the organization, whereby it listens to both
the banes of employees and the concerns of the employer, at which point human
resources plays itself out as the meditating mediator. Reality, the concern or
the complaint is lost in the bowels of the paper pushing procrastination. Then
comes the policies on respectful workplace, which no one reads and no one
follows, and human resources never enforces. Then there is the continual issue
organizations have with the department, whereby they are forbidden from
dismissing employees on any grounds out of the speculative fear of a lawsuit.
On the flipside (and this is a true story) when an employee has been threatened
at work and saw fit to call the authorities, the following day human resources
takes it upon itself to schedule an impromptu meeting with the employee and
harass them and belittle them over their actions by calling the police officer.
Apparently, in such situations human resources felt it was more important for
the employee to fill out an ‘incident report,’ and file it with safety to have
it reviewed, despite the aggressive actions being made towards the employee
during the situation.
Human
resources believes itself to fulfill two functions: on one function it’s the
potluck Peggy, always there with store bought cookies that were secretly
microwaved just before the function, whereby she passes them off as just
homemade. Then there is bureaucratic Bethany, with clipboard in hand she can
deny and authorize—but most importantly deny, all actions the employees or the employer
seeks to enact; be it recruitment or dismissal; but rest assured if a potluck
is involved, its budget will blow up and
its approval will be guaranteed. Where else would Peggy be able to share her
‘homemade,’ cookies?
It
comes to no surprise that the business unit that prides itself as the function
which manages human assets is also named the greatest perpetrator or most
complaint with workplace harassment—at least according to lawsuits. In a recent
lawsuit filed against Microsoft, roughly 8, 360 women (information technology
specialist and engineers) claim the company had denied them a total of 518
promotions, and a $100 million to $238 million dollars’ worth of pay between
two-thousand and eleven and two-thousand and sixteen. Throughout the lawsuit,
human resources is depicted and displayed as an incompetent and discriminatory
faction within the organization, one which never investigated serious concerns
brought to its attention, or reviewed policy infractions. Instead the lawsuit
claims the department which manages people, had instead casually observed the
situation with disinterest. In the event the human resources department did
deem it appropriate to get involved, it only caused the issues to escalate
further. Though the lawsuit is new, the issues presented by the plaintiffs and
their depiction of human resources, is not new. A simple search via the internet
and one will find forums, posts, discussions, blogs and tweets about the
horrors of human resources; its inefficacies, its brutal chauvinistic attitude,
its bureaucratic dominance, and its churlish promotion and propagating of
corporate propaganda.
When
I envision hell, I imagine human resources is managing the place. Right at
death the bureaucratic process must start, with one waiting at the brimstone
gates to gain entry. Only you have to sit through hours upon hours of
orientation material, aptitude tests, and a three stage interview process.
Afterwards you are admitted with a number, at which point you are to meet with
your human resources case manager who will go over the specifics of your
eternal stay, and will be a continual resource throughout your eternity of
suffering. From there you are transferred to Peggy’s welcoming potluck, so you
might as well have a cookie. Afterwards suffering should commence, but it
doesn’t; its back to upgrading your orientation skills, going through safety
protocols, and doing a lengthy review survey to share your experience so far.
Apparently during this time someone complained about your performance, and you
need to sit in front of disciplinary Deborah, who happens to be out of the
office, so take a seat in the waiting room. When dear old disciplinary Deborah
returns, she explains in her usual disgruntled and overworked manner that the
complaint has been lost or transferred to your case manager. Your case manager
is busy so you’re going to have to take a number and wait once again. You try
to explain that she said you could use her anytime as a resource, there mocking
Mitchell explains that can’t be true and tells you take your seat. However long
later (time has no meaning in eternity) mocking Mitchell informs you the complaint has been lost but you’ve
missed required courses to move forward, and you are immediately thrust into a
course about diversity and inclusion, followed by another on the theories of
unconscious bias, and then a lecture on respectful workplace and emotional
intelligence. Welcome to hell, Human Resources is here to help.
Thank-you
For Reading Gentle Reader
Take
Care
And
As Always
Stay
Well Read
M.
Mary
For Further Reading:
Fortune: "HR Is Not Your Friend: Here's Why,"
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